As one of the three brothers, I know a little something about sibling conflict. We often joke that we fight with each other and we'd fight for each other. I think this is true. Still, sibling conflict can be one of the most frustrating dynamics in any family. I wrote a little bit about this in a piece published by LifeWay Christian Resources. Take a look and feel free to leave feedback with your own take on this.
In the past, psychologists believed that the natural state of sibling relationships was conflict. That idea has since been debunked. Even still, according to Psychology Today, one in three adults describe their relationship with their sibling as “rivalrous or distant.”
Maybe you’re like Leslie, a woman who certainly knows what a long-term sibling conflict looks like. She and her sister, Meredith, haven’t spoken since June of 2006. That was the month their issues, which had been brewing since childhood, came to a nasty apex. Growing up, Leslie and Meredith constantly competed for their mother’s attention.
Their mother went to Meredith’s wedding, but not Leslie’s. Meredith didn’t go to college, so their mother didn’t come to Leslie’s college graduation. When Meredith had major surgery, Mom was there to care for her. When Leslie underwent the same surgery, she was nowhere to be found.
“Every time a mother would normally be there for her daughters, Mom would be there for my sister, but not for me,” Leslie remembers.
The hostility swelled throughout the years until it finally burst. Meredith began calling Leslie names and cursing at her over e-mail, but Leslie never responded. “After several hurtful e-mails, my phone rang,” Leslie recalls. “My sister called and basically said, ‘We’re done. We aren’t family anymore.’”
Maybe you aren’t much like Leslie. You don’t have knock-down-drag-outs with your sibling. You just feel a chasm of distance between you. Over time you’ve grown apart, and now it’s awkward trying to connect and find things in common. You’re a little more like Jessica.
Jessica is a single, 29-year-old from Georgia whose older sister, Casey, moved to Arizona five years ago. Though they had been very close growing up, the distance between the two highlighted how very different they had become.
“When we were younger, we played the same games, had the same friends – we stuck together,” Jessica shares. “Now I realize that as we’ve gotten older, things have changed drastically. It isn’t a stretch to say that as adults we have nothing in common.”
Being several time zones apart, Jessica says, causes you to rely on commonalities to stay connected. Unfortunately, Jessica and Casey just don’t share much as adults. “We don’t like the same shows, we don’t have the same friends, and we have different religious beliefs,” Jessica voices. Though the sisters haven’t given up on trying, both will admit it has become a struggle to find common ground.
As you get older, you may realize that you have unresolved issues with your siblings or simply find you don’t have much to talk about anymore. Yet you recognize both the benefit and intrinsic value of healthy family relationships. How can you begin easing tensions and reconnecting with your former childhood playmates?
Miles Apart
If you find yourself frustrated, look around for the green-eyed monster – jealousy. Cheryl Dellasega, a relationship counselor and author of Forced to be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws says, “Without a doubt some of the most common causes of rivalry are jealousy and competition, which arise from a sense of being ‘less than.’”
This sentiment is evidenced by children fighting over the biggest piece of chocolate cake or proclaiming that a parent loves another child more, which is not always a baseless claim. Even though most parents attempt to treat their children fairly, it doesn’t always happen.
“In most families, there truly is favoritism,” says Leonard Felder, author of “Fitting in Is Overrated.” “And sibling rivalries are based on which child got more praise and warmth from one or both parents.”
But Kevin Lehman, psychologist and author of “The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are” says it goes deeper than simply jealousy and favoritism. “At the root of sibling rivalry is the struggle for significance and attention,” he asserts. “The firstborn, for example, is the trailblazer. Then, the second-born comes along and says ‘Mommy look at me’ and the parents say to each other, ‘Remember when Robert did that?’”
In a perfect world, these issues would vaporize as we get older, but we don’t live in a perfect world. Sure, you’ve stopped crying your eyes out when your older brother snatches up the big piece of cake. But when he hovers over the grill to tell you how to barbecue the chicken (even thought you have a Master’s degree and own a home) it sure feels similar.
“The little girl or little boy that you once were – I’ve got news for you – you still are. If you back someone into a corner, that child comes out,” Lehman says. “That is why so many people go to family reunions and 20 minutes later wonder why they didn’t stay home.”
Once we become adults, our eyes are opened to the fact that our siblings are humans with personalities. As in any relationship, there will be friction, differences, and preferences. Just because you’re different doesn’t mean you can’t become great friends again. And understanding why you’re having trouble connecting will go a long way to becoming closer.
Coming Together
The family is one of the most wonderful gifts that God has given us. He has designed it to be a source of comfort, community, and encouragement. That’s why the Bible uses phrases like “family of God” and “brothers and sisters” as metaphors to describe the Church. God wants us to get along with each other.
God knew how tough life could be, so it seems He created family to help us get through the sticky stuff. “There are some key moments in life when you will need to have a great working relationship with them,” Felder says. “To care for an aging or disabled relative, to make sure no one gets left out of family celebrations and life-cycle events, to pitch in and help members of the extended family who are going through tough times.”
If having healthy sibling relationships is important to God, then it should also be important to us. And if restoring that connection becomes a priority, we should be willing to work for it. So what practical things can begin mending a damaged or distant relationship with our brother or sister?
Lehman notes that it’s hard to tell someone to drop dead when things are put in writing. So he says one of the best ways to improve the situation is to write him or her a letter. “Tell them you have been thinking about them and what they mean to you,” he advises. “Be honest about the problems, express that you wish things were different, and tell them what you want to do about it.” It may seem like a safe play, but playing it safe might pay off.
Another idea is gathering the family around an act of goodwill. Consider volunteering together to help with a local cleanup effort. “Finding something positive and loving to unite you is a great way to build relationships,” Dellasega says.
As followers of Christ, however, beginning reconciliation is simpler than either suggestion. As Paul said in Philippians 4:6, “Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” If you are in the middle of a sibling skirmish, ask yourself when the last time was that you simply took the situation to God.
“The first step is to accept and appreciate that God made each of us different and unique. There is so much diversity in nature, in families, in human groups,” Felder says. “Instead of resenting the fact that you and your sibling have very different approaches to life, why not offer up a prayer of thanks that this family and this world are big enough to allow for the strengths of each of you to come to fruition?”
A Revitalized Relationship
The reality of any relationship struggle is that you can’t always fix it. “We don’t choose our siblings,” Judy Dunn, professor of human development at Penn State told Psychology Today. “There are personality differences that can be very striking, and if you’re stuck growing up with someone day-in and day-out who grates and irritates and provokes, then it seems very understandable that … some siblings don’t get on well.”
Once you realize that things may never change, it is best to turn it over to God and allow Him to use the negatives to achieve a positive.
Looking back, Leslie sees how God has used the rivalry with her sister to accomplish God-sized feats. “I have learned to be a better friend, … and I have had to learn to completely trust in God,” she says. “I think God wanted to use this to teach me to be dependent on Him.” Later this year, Leslie will be teaching a women’s Bible study on forgiveness at her church.
As for Jessica, she has used Casey’s move to Arizona as a prompting to work harder to connect with her sister. The sisters intentionally talk twice a week and hold each other accountable. When together, they focus on the things they have in common, like a love for shopping and good food.
“In the end, we worked harder and my sister’s move actually brought us closer together,” Jessica shares.
As Psalm 133:1 says, “How wonderful it is, how pleasant, when brothers live together in harmony!” Though you can’t always fix things, it doesn’t mean you should stop trying. Who knows? God might just take what seems like incredible differences and use them to transform you both into the close and loving siblings He desperately wants you to be.
Check out another LifeWay article by Jonathan: "9 Mission Trip Tips"
Jill Hill said:
I am one of 7 in my family, I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. Half my family lives in Illinois so the distance is a strain. I found this very interesting on parts that did and did not apply to my family. As far a part as we are and as many of as there are it has not affected how close we are even though when we have spouses and kids all together we need a football stadium to hold us all. I am realizing after reading this that God has kept us together and we all hold each other accountable in staying in touch with one another and how great of a gift that is!
Posted: January 29, 2010
Mike D said:
I have never had a great relationship with my older brother. It took me a long time to recover from the personality quirks that came stemmed from the lack of a relationship, but in the end, the resolution has made me a caring, yet independent person, very aware of how I interact with people I come in contact with.
I love my family, but the past will always exist to the point that it colours the present. I recently informed my father that until my brother stopped being needlessly aggressive and hurtful, I would not attempt a reconcilliation. I cannot reconcile with someone who I don't like.
That being said, I am a big believer that family is something to be cherished, but families come in all shapes & sizes!
Posted: January 30, 2010