Young people are putting off marriage longer and longer these days, but an emerging group of Christian thinkers is asking, "Why wait?"
The push for early marriage among some conservative Christians made headlines recently when University of Texas professor Mark Regnerus wrote "The Case for Early Marriage." The article appeared on the cover of the August 2009 issue of Christianity Today. Regnerus deals with the problem of younger Christians who are waiting longer to tie the knot but aren't waiting to have sex. He blames this trend on the Church's failure to teach rising generations how marriage should work. "I've come to the conclusion that Christians have made much ado about sex but are becoming slow and lax about marriage—that more significant, enduring witness to Christ's sacrificial love for his bride," he writes.
The answer he says is to get young Christians marrying earlier.
While Regerus may sound novel (and yet anachronistic) to some, his position is not new. His views first appeared in an April 2009 Washington Post op-ed entited, "Say yes. What are you waiting for?" A year prior, Albert Mohler began fleshing out this issue on his blog. Regnerus, Mohler, and others make a strong case for early marriage, but I have reservations about this effort.
I am concerned that some are promoting an illusion that the Bible mandates something it does not. (Check out CT's new "The Case for Early Marriage" Bible study materials.) When these ideas are presented through reason, they can be convincing. When a Biblical command is forced, they are not.
I am also concerned that this movement recognizes one trend in delayed marriage but fails to recognize another: "starter marriages." Many individuals who get married early are getting divorced shortly after. We must be careful not to feed one problem in our attempt to address another. For these reasons and others, the marriage debate can and will continue. For now, I'd like to hear some of your opinions.
Is early marriage a Biblical mandate? Is the problem of sexual promiscuity best answered through early marriage? Did you get married early or late? How does that inform your perspective?
Travis Mamone said:
When Paul said it's better to marry than burn with lust," I don't think he meant "Get married in your early twenties." I mean, I'm not saying if you marry early your marriage will crumble. I have a college friend who married her boyfriend shortly after graduating, and as far as I know they're doing alright (but then again I haven't seen her in years). But I will say that not a lot of people in their early twenties are emotionally or financially ready for marriage. I know I wasn't, which is why it's taken me over two years of being engaged to finally get my crap together and grow up.
Anyway, sorry if I'm rambling (that's the way my mind works--very loosey goosey). Basically I share your concerns, too; I'm worried that the push for early marriage will lead to kids jumping into something they're not ready for yet.
Posted: September 8, 2009
Leslie Clevenger said:
I don't think that getting married earlier is the best answer. I think that young women often feel pressured to get married and that just results in an unhealthy relationship and marriage. The Bible teaches that a man should love his wife the way that Christ loves the church and that a woman should respect her husband. I don't think that is ever easy, but I think it is especially difficult when you get married in your early twenties.
I'm 26, and not yet married. I'm really glad that I've waited. I would have missed out on so much. I wouldn't have known that at 22, but in retrospect I am a very different person than who I was four years ago. I've seen the struggles that some of my friends have had who were married in their early twenties, and being single at this age has been a blessing.
Posted: September 8, 2009
Brooke said:
See 1 Corinthians 7.
While I have pined away for a godly husband starting in late high school and through College, the Lord has gently but surely shown me that this has become an idol in my life. I am now 24, single, and convinced that my 1st ministry is to the Lord, which will not change, married or unmarried.
Posted: September 9, 2009
Erik said:
This sure seems like the hot topic of late and I don't think the flip side of marrying quickly (what you refer to as "starter marriages") is often considered. I've definitely seen that scenario play out to unfortunate conclusions.
I got married about a year after graduating college and while it's been wonderful, I certainly wouldn't go so far as to mandate it for all Christians. Seems like Christians too often get dogmatic about things that the Bible itself isn't dogmatic about.
I will say that I've known people who have avoided marriage for selfish reasons and I think that can be a problem. Having everything in life perfectly in order sure doesn't guarantee marital bliss. And I do think that culture has created the opinion that the joy of life diminishes once one "settles down" in marriage. Not true. Life changes, but it's far from drudgery.
Posted: September 9, 2009
Alison said:
Quite frankly, I don’t think I understand Regnerus’ argument FOR early marriage (though I didn't read the entire Christianity Today article). Is it just because people aren’t waiting until marriage to have sex? Advocating marriage in the early twenties is not a good way to stop people from having sex in their teens, which is what I hear kids these days are doing.
Besides that, the world Regnerus describes in the Post op-ed, where it is uncool to marry early, is not the world I know. I had friends marrying in their late teens straight out of high school. And then, of course, there was the second wave marrying straight out of college. I can't produce exact stats on my friends, but let's just say I know quite a few people who are already divorced. One running joke (among my unmarried friends, of course) is that at least some of these couples are rushing to get married just so they can have sex. So I guess I just don’t understand the problem as Regnerus sees it.
The only other reasons he gives for early marriage, biological, financial, and emotional, are not by themselves valid reasons to make that kind of commitment. Further, his paragraph in the op-ed about the declining "market value" of women and fertility is just insulting. My ticking biological clock is no reason for me to commit my life to someone if I am not yet ready. Besides, adoption isn't a bad idea in a world that is arguably past its carrying capacity anyway.
For me personally, I am 23 and not ready to get married. And that's that.
Posted: September 9, 2009
Valerie Martin said:
There is no excuse for having a physical relationship outside of marriage.
The issue of waiting too long to get married affects all age groups, not just people in their twenties. I don't agree with long engagements and relationships that drag on for years. Some couples drag out their relationship for years, then wait to get engaged because the guy has to "save up for the perfect ring" or "the ring is on layaway" - these are not good reasons to put off marriage. Then they take a year or longer to plan the wedding. Really? Marriage is not about the ring or the wedding.
No matter how long it takes to tie the knot, sex should not be a part of the pre-marital relationship.
Posted: September 9, 2009
Jonathan Merritt said:
Good thoughts. Travis, a lot of good stuff. Leslie, I hear others saying those same things. Allison, good thoughts. Valerie, I totally agree.
Jm
Posted: September 9, 2009
Bill Beahan said:
Interesting topic and certainly something that needs to be discussed in the Christian community. I bring 15 years experience working with church youth groups when I say it is concentrating on the symptons rather than the underlying disese. The sympton is that youth today concentrate to much on instant gratification rather than learning to look at the long term. Everyone is to blame for this. The schools today are for the most part giant babysitting facilities. If a teacher gives a child a failing grade, immense pressure is brought to pass the child to the next grade whether they are intellectually ready or not. "Self esteem" is considered more important than actual learning. The culture is disgusting. If I had small kids at home the TV would never be on where they could watch. When I was in high school you had to sneak into a sleazy theater to see what is today broadcast on network TV at 8 PM daily. You can see it when so many of our youth were fooled last year by Obama's slick media campaign which glossed over his radical Marxist beliefs. But those things are just the cultural environment. Mostly I blame parents who are to busy trying to further their careers and their nice lifestyles to spend the time they need to with their kids. When the schools try to indoctrinate children with nonsense like political correctness and "man-made climate change" it is the job of parents not just to let the schools know this is wrong but to have laid down and reinforced a Christian based philosophy in the child so they can resist evil as commanded by the Bible. When a teacher I had in high school talked about Bill Ayers and the Weathermen as fighting for good, I knew enough to speak out. When they tried to tell my daughters that abortion was a "choice" they knew better already. When my grandson's teacher announced they were going to show the propaganda movie Inconvenient "Truth", he knew enough to tell his parents soon enough that they could organize other parents to stop this proselytizing effort by showing the huge amount of scientific evidence disputing Mr. Gore's theories. When a couple marries early because they don't want to wait to have sex, the parents need to look inward an rexamine their priorities. Kids need to be taught the value of delayed gratification early on. Too many kids in church youth groups are there because they have to be or look at it as a way to say I am good so I can do what I want. I fear for the young people of today because their parents generation has failed them so adly.
Posted: September 12, 2009
Justin said:
Mr. Beehan,
I think you forgot to define the disease in the airing of grievances? (Quite an expansive list as well, not sure what Al Gore or Barack Obama has to do with Christians marrying earlier.)
Posted: September 15, 2009
Christina said:
I agree with the Article that our culture is so focused on sex and the burning desire for it and the wide acceptance of it within our society. There are few people in the country who hold on to the Truth of Gods Word and abstain from sex until marriage. But even more than that,there are few who don't just abstain from sex until marriage,but fewer who truly understand the Lords beautiful design of two becoming one,which is exactly what sex is. God created sex for two people in a covenant marriage relationship, not for a dating couple. So with that said I feel very strongly that whenever you enter a relationship,either 19 or 29 that someone realizes the beautiful gift of sex inside of marriage. I personally believe that it's Gods timing when marriage should come, and until He brings someone to that type of commitment and dedication they are to exhibit self control and contentment. I am 20 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for three and a half years. It is difficult to wait for marriage and I do pray that it's soon because the wait is hard,but we both know that the Lord is teaching us things about Himself and ourselves that we must know before we are joined together in marriage. We both know that ultimately the Lord knows best and His timing is perfect. So I guess all in all I agree with the article to a sense but the Lord has different paths for each of His children. So for me it may be that He prepares my heart early for that marriage commitment,but to others they might be in their late twenties or thirties. Because whatever will ultimately glorify our Creator,within marriage or without, is what He will make happen. My advice is to live to glorify Him and He will sustain you with self control and patience to wait or He will give you the go ahead to marry. It's all for Him.
Posted from my iPhone
Posted: January 17, 2010
Davien said:
I think Erik, Valerie, and Christina are definitely right about marriage.
Erik: I too believe that the church can be very dogmatic about the wrong things at times. We tend to put God in a our box called logical thinking and we often miss His Plan for our life which could easily lead to sin when we take the reins.
Valerie: I also think that we try to get all our situations straight before entering a marriage thinking that if we have materialist things then we will be okay. We forget that God's timing is what we should strive for and normally it is not "convenient" for us. God has planted within us the desire to long for a helpmate and He knows when the harvest is ripe but if we harvest before it is time or after, we run into problems. I feel that the church has been transformed by the world and adopted the secular thinking that you need the right stuff or the right situation to marry rather than the Wisdom of God. We are to be the trailblazers, setting examples for the world not following the blind in their "foolish" knowledge.
Christina: I totally understand where you are. I am 24 year old and I have been dating my girlfriend (age 22) for 2.5 years and the temptation is growing everyday to slip. There was a generational curse of lust that has run through the men of my family and I have been the only one to stand against it and not run immediately to the cover of marriage (because there is a difference between deliverance and abstaining from a thing). I have 2 years before I graduate college and she has 2 more year to get her grad degree but once I graduate, I will be in a 2 year rotational program that requires me to move about once every 6 months. This would mean that I will have to wait 4 more years from now to get married if I want to get my ducks in a row. My girlfriend and I have grown so much in God over our relationship and I have prayed and God has told me the she is to be my wife. Until now, I have just been going along thinking, "I'll have her in 4 more years" but then I read this article and realized that God's timing could be when he told me who my wife was. It could be longer or shorter than the 4 years I had logically decided on.
We are commanded to consider God in all our ways but being dogmatic, materialistic, or even opportunistic can lead us away from the plan of God. There is no magic age to get married but, I do believe that you should be at an age where you both know God and can hear His voice clearly and show that you have a consistent walk that shows the love of Christ to all. I believe that is the maximum restrictions anyone can put on marriage because anything may just be man's logic in an institution God has designed.
Posted: July 2, 2010
Jennifer said:
I agree with Christina & Davien. I am astonished at how well you both are maturing and growing in God. I wish you two the best. It's not everyday that you hear people your age speaking with so much wisdom and knowledge about this topic. I am 28 years old. I was 21 years old when I married. My husband was 25. We both knew it was the right time to marry because it was God's perfect will for us. Of course, I heard statements from other women like "I would never have gotten married at 21" or "Anyone who marries that young is foolish." I knew in my heart that this was meant to be at the time it was meant to happen. My husband and I are still happily married and this July it will be 7 years (Thank God). It hasn't been easy but no marriage is a piece of cake. We have 2 beautiful children who I will live to see graduate from college and be there for their children due to the age I will be at this time. Let God lead you and guide you in everything that you do. You will not go wrong if you are led by God. Trust me!!
Posted: April 28, 2011
Josh said:
I have read so many comments on this article and they irritate me to the core. It seems as though not many people even read the whole thing or even tried to comprehend it all.
The author is arguing FOR marriage as a whole and to educate young ones about marriage. God wouldnt say its better to marry than to burn with passion if it weren't true. He is not arguing that marriage is the magical fix up, but for TRUE BELIEVERS it is essential for spiritual growth--in those who are NOT celibate. We have to be honest with ourselves and determine which route is wisest for our spiritual health FIRST and foremost. Physical things come next. Matthew 6 is a good example of that. We are to "seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Those things are our physical needs.
So we must be honest with ourselves. If our passions are strong and temptations are strong, marriage is a wise choice. No one will know everything they need to know about marriage before they enter it, nor will they learn everything about themselves. The argument that "I change over time" is downright contradictory to the biblical idea of marriage. Marriage is a covenant. It doesn't matter that you fall out of being best friends. Its not ultimately about being in love, but about loving eachother. The author made sure that a he demanded that education on marriage is necessary. He doesn't just chant "sex sex sex in marriage!"
The author was being wise about what was being said, and for the most part was very careful. Too many ignorant and emotional comments and arguments are made against this. I suggest everyone takes time to actually read what is all says in its entirety, read it twice. Then read 1 corinthians 6 through 7, matthew 6 and 11 and more.
Posted: June 22, 2011
Gulbanu said:
I completely agree with Josh in his saying that "No one will know everything they need to know about marriage before they enter it, nor will they learn everything about themselves." Nobody can judge what will happen and shouldn't stop teens to marry. But they should be aware of the negative consequences such as divorce's influence to health, disagreemants with parents in law, etc. Early mariiage is a very hard thing.
Posted: August 30, 2011