We Never Talk About Gossip

Some sins are really inconsequential and not worth talking about. But getting drunk, having sex before marriage, and breaking any of the Ten Commandments: these are definitely sins and we can't let them slide. At least, this is what many Christians (and pastors) believe whether or not they would admit it. We believe some sins are "serious" but others have become "respectable." That's why a gay person wouldn't feel comfortable in most churches today, but fat, lazy gossips abound. In an attempt to correct the imbalance, I decided to give some face time to one of the oft-overlooked skeletons in our closets: gossip. In this article originally published by LifeWay, I interview Jerry Bridges, author of Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate. My goal is not to elevate so-called respectable sins or promote legalism, but to give some face time to a flaw outside of the usual suspects we should all be addressing.

The whirlwind of media frenzy was intoxicating. Anna Nicole Smith – Playmate, heiress, actress – had suddenly and mysteriously died.

In the days that followed, the media inundated the public with touching images, field reports, and expert interviews. Ironically, they created more questions than answers. What was the cause of death? Was there foul play? Where would she be buried? Who would gain custody of her infant daughter? Smith’s death received more media time than the newly-elected Democratic majority in Congress and just less than the war in Iraq.

At one point the feeding frenzy constituted more than 30 percent of all news coverage. It was even reported that American troop morale was impacted by the fact that America was so obsessed with the death of a single B-list star.

The sad reality is that we live in a culture of gossip. Whether it’s the latest celebrity baby bump rumor or the most recent Lindsay Lohan meltdown, Americans can’t get enough. And it’s not just celebrities we are going on and on about; we also talk about each other. In a recent Barna poll, 28 percent of respondents admitted to recently saying mean things about someone when that person wasn’t present. 

The study also stated that Christians are just as likely to gossip as non-Christians. “The respect, patience, self-control, and kindness of born-again Christians should astound people,” says Dave Kinnaman, the study’s director. “But the lifestyles and relationships of born-again believers are not much different than others.” 

The Tempted Tongue
The American Heritage dictionary defines gossip as “rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.”  Jerry Bridges, author of Respectable Sins, says that gossip occurs when we pass on information – true or false – about someone. That means just because the information is cloaked as a prayer request or justified as a means to a favorable end, it’s still gossip.

Humans are inherently inclined to gossip. “We are hard-wired for negative speech because of our own need for self-esteem and recognition,” says Dr. Michael Sedler, author of “Stop the Runaway Conversation: Take Control Over Gossip and Criticism.” “We want to be in a position where we are built up and receive support and admiration from people. We tend to make ourselves look good with negative comments about others and positive comments about us perhaps at others expense unless we struggle against it.”

Unfortunately, most people don’t see gossip as something that’s all that bad. That’s why it’s so prevalent in churches today. “We tend to be eager to pass on bad news about someone else, and this is widespread among Christians. It is tolerated because we do it so much,” Bridges shares. “And we do it so much we stop being convicted about it.” For this reason, Carole Mayhall, author of “Words That Hurt, Words That Heal,” calls gossip an “insidious” sin. “People do not think of their gossiping words as true sin, but they are,” she says.

Regardless of how accepted or respectable the sin of gossip is, it is still sin. Our tongues should only be used for good and godly purposes and never to hurt others. As Scripture tells us, “Out of the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things should not be this way. Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening?” (James 3: 10-11).

Tongue Tied
Water isn’t the only metaphor James uses to teach about the untamed tongue. He also compares it to a destructive fire. “Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites. And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among the parts of our [bodies]; it pollutes the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is set on fire by hell” (James 3: 5-6).

“Gossip spreads and causes damage wherever it goes,” Bridges says. “It does two things. First, it tears down the reputation of the person we are talking about. Second, it brings unrelated people into the gossip chain. That is why it is just as bad to listen and enjoy the gossip as it is to spread gossip. It has a domino effect.” If you have been a victim of gossip, you don’t need anyone to tell you how destructive it can be. The emotional and relational scars it leaves clearly tell the story.

Christin, a single from San Francisco,  describes herself as a “victim of serial gossip.” She was the target of gossip throughout high school, but one occasion stands out in her mind. “My sophomore year, three sophomore cheerleaders and I were invited to the junior/senior prom, but my best friend, Jamie, was not,” she remembers. “Jamie became bitter, and the next year, Jamie called my date two weeks before prom and told him that I really didn’t want to take him. Without even telling me, he asked someone else.”

When the gossip finally got back to Christin, it was too late to find another date. “The night of prom, I stayed home and watched a movie. I kept staring at my dress and fighting back tears because I knew that I had become the laughingstock of my high school,” she recalls.

The effects of this dramatic event still reverberate in Christin’s life. To this day she is untrusting of her close girlfriends. “If my best friend would gossip about me, what will my acquaintances say?” Christin asks. “Gossip is a hurtful force. I think it is worse than getting punched in the face because gossip is harder to track down the source and untangle the reason why.”

Mayhall sympathizes with the fallout from Christin’s adolescent debacle. “Gossip hurts,” she attests. “Once spread, it is never able to be fully recovered.” As it spreads, both fire and gossip destroy, and often the destruction is irreparable.

Taming the Tongue
Ephesians 4:29 says, “No rotten talk should come from your mouth, but only what is good for the building up of someone in need.” What can we do to guard against an untamed tongue, and how do we clean up the mess when we allow unwholesome words to cause destruction in someone else’s life?

Sedler says it begins with a simple question: Is it necessary? “When I am repeating a story or sharing things, I ask myself what my motive is,” he says. “This will help me see if I am sharing to get attention, sharing for recognition, or sharing to hurt someone.” If we put every word to this test before we release it from our lips, we would undoubtedly regret less and reflect Christ more.

Scripture memory also comes in handy. “I think that as we let the Word of Christ dwell in us, more and more God is going to set a guard over our mouths,” Mayhall offers. “So many times when I go to say something I shouldn’t, God brings a Word of Scripture to my mind. The only thing you have at your disposal during the moment you need help is what you have memorized.”

But what if you slip up? What if you accidentally find yourself tongue-tied with no hope of retreat? Mayhall recommends simply apologizing.

“I often still say things that I wish I could reach into the air and push back into my mouth. But as believers, we need to be very quick to apologize,” she explains. “It is the hardest thing in the world to do, but we must follow the Lord on this. It not only helps you in your relationships but it helps you to think before you speak the next time.”

In fact, relationships are both the greatest risk and greatest tool when it comes to gossip. Because we are hard-wired to tear others down and build ourselves up, building accountability into our lives is invaluable.

“You are made or broken by the people you surround yourself with, so the people I surround myself with have positive speech patterns,” Sedler shares. “And I make an honest effort to let the people close to me know that if they see me doing or saying something that is out of line with the things of God, they should confront me. That kind of accountability keeps me in line.”

If we all made an honest effort to commit Scripture to heart, only speak when necessary, surround ourselves with uplifting accountability partners, and apologize when we mess up, perhaps we could all transcend and transform this culture of gossip. Now that would be something worth talking about.

Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate by Jerry Bridges

Words that Hurt, Words that Heal by Carole Mayhall