This is good news for me because I prefer flourinated water out of the tap anyway, but it is still shocking that Aquafina derives from a municipal water source. (And it's just one more reason to hate Pepsi.)

The morning comes too quickly. Barely awake, you drag out of bed to get ready to go to school or church or work. You don't remember much about the ride, it is almost as if you warped to your destination. Just when you walk into the business meeting or get up to give your book report, you realize you aren't wearing any clothes! Your body jolts...

I have always thought of myself as a slower gazelle. You know the one? He always gets devoured on the Discovery Channel because he can’t run as fast as the older ones or he forgets to watch for predators as he slumps to drink. Yeah, that’s me.

But please don’t pity me. I am not like a water buffalo or pygmy or something; even a slower...