5 Guidelines to Maintain a Relationship Despite Disagreement
The holidays are in full swing. Which means that many of us are having to intimately share space with people we both love and experience deep (and perhaps painful) disagreements. How can we maintain relationships with our loved ones when we are separated by political, theological and relational chasms?
As a gay man from a very conservative Christian family, I’ve spent the last twelve years trying to figure this out. It has not been easy, and I’ve learned more from what I’ve done wrong than what I’ve gotten right. Below, I’d like to share 5 guidelines that I’ve found to be particularly helpful.
But first, a disclaimer: I have many friends with truly abusive parents and siblings who refuse to respect basic barriers. They have chosen, often with the guidance of therapists and spiritual directors, to have limited or no contact in order to protect their physical and mental health. This post is not intended for people in abusive and extreme circumstances. As Bertrand Russell said, “The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.” I trust that you will glean the wisdom that resonates with your situation and to toss the rest.
Now let’s get to the guidelines…
1) Remember that you can’t police someone else’s beliefs about you but you can police someone’s behaviors toward you.
I know. You want them to tell you they agree with you, that you were right all along. But, I’m sorry to tell you, that you cannot control someone’s mind and the conclusions that mind draws. Boundaries around treatment are warranted and necessary—and they work in both directions. Focus your energy on what you can control, and release the rest.
2) It’s okay to fight with each other in private. But only fight for each other in public.
It’s tempting, particularly when you’re feeling hurt or betrayed or unheard, to escalate a disagreement by externalizing it. You might want to post online in a fury, recruiting supporters to your cause and “proving” you are right. This kind of behavior functions as a kind of public shaming ritual, which means it nonsensically creates harm in order to reduce harm. While it may feel cathartic in the short-term, it moves you further from what you truly want by escalating a disagreement and increasing the distance between the parties. Your disputes are not for public consumption.
3) Keep in mind that it’s hard to truly love someone when you’re trying to change who they are.
My queer siblings will understand this point on the surface. We’ve had parents and pastors and friends who “love” us by trying to convert us or coerce us or convince us into conforming to who they want us to be. But many of us return the favor, working overtime to change our loved one. It’s tempting to make it your mission try to change your loved ones into the kind of person you can accept or at least engage without feeling offended.
4) During heated discussions, make sure more statements end in a question mark than an exclamation point.
There’s a saying often attribute to both St. Francis of Assisi and the late leadership expert Steven Covey that goes like this: Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood. Whoever deserves the credit, it’s pretty good advice for navigating a difficult relationship with a loved one. Whenever you feel your posture moving toward confrontation, try to channel that energy into curiosity. I know, I know. You assume that you already have a firm grasp on what the person believes and why. Pretend you don’t. Stay humbly curious, and you’ll often find that the person will return the favor, seeking to understand you and your positions better, too.
5) Never forget that the people who will cry at your funeral matter more than the people who populate your social media feeds.
Research shows how easily it is to speak and behave in inflammatory and destructive ways online. The anonymity and instantaneous transmission provided by social media can embolden us to bad behavior. Or at least behavior that does not serve us well. Keep your relationships in perspective by properly valuing those who you share genetic material with and those who have spend years walking alongside you in this life—and not overvaluing the often unhelpful voices that flood your social media feed. In short, ignore the trolls.